My Handicap: Indiscriminate "Socializing"

Vanity is one of my most prominent attributes. I am vain to suicidal extents, although to be fair, I always mask my vanity in humorous self-ridicule. Nevertheless, I admit that I am forever loath to accept any weakness of mine. This piece is therefore completely against my instincts.

For quite some time now, I have been trying to ignore this one particular compulsion of mine, although the repercussions have been affecting me too strongly for my liking. I like to think of myself as a man, nay a phenomenon :P, with extraordinary self control. Yet, time and again, I have faced defeat at the hands of this weakness of mine. It is time that I admitted it, to myself more than anyone else: My greatest weakness is that I am an indiscriminate "socializer". So there, its out in the open now. Not that I think that writing about it is going to soothe my soul or anything. Even so. Maybe I am the first one to ever think of it in this way: indiscriminate socializing. But even if there were others before me, I am confident that none of them possessed its characteristics, or rather was possessed by them, to as great a degree as me.

All my life, I have been an extrovert. Wherever I have been, people have invariably liked me. I may have met them for half a minute, but I have involuntarily impressed upon them my worth. And whenever they meet me next, they welcome me as their closest long-lost buddy. Maybe it is a boon (or a curse) for I now realize that I have no control over this. The good Lord ruling over us simply made me universally-likable. Plus I simply love meeting people. And nothing satisfies me as much as making each one of them a close friend of mine, and believing that they will all stand by me in my "time-of-need". Even though what that "time-of-need" could possibly be to require such enormous support, I can't imagine.

If, however, I try to look deep into my psyche and my nature, I discover some interesting (and frankly, disturbing) features that I was unaware of up until now. I have a tendency to try and please everyone around me, so that they think well of me. Ordinarily that would mean low self-esteem, but one thing I am definitely not low on, is my self-esteem. I realize now that this tendency of mine to please everyone is just a manifestation of avoiding confrontations. I have been trying to figure out what makes me so fearful of disagreements, but I can think of nothing that has me completely convinced of its crime. One reason may be that all confrontations/disagreements I have been in get really nasty. I say some really mean things, my already-acid wit getting more acidic at such times, many a time leading to complete estrangement. Something of that sort, of course, worries me infinitely, for like I said, I wish everyone to like me.

Maybe its a good thing, and maybe its not, but I am now restraining myself from trying to make friends all over. For one thing, its difficult to maintain too many good friendships. So while I am casually in touch with many people who I do not wish too much to keep contact with, the really important relationships seem superficial too. I am unable to give enough time to the friends that really matter, and they deserve better than that. So I have vowed to do justice by my real friends and give them more time. 

I have no clue how to conclude this piece. It just seems random and incomplete. My thoughts on the subject, as well as on my condition, are rather hazy right now. Perhaps, at a later stage, I will be able to collect my thoughts better and understand more. I will then follow up with a more sound analysis. Then, hopefully, my retrospection may be of use to someone coping with a similar problem. Signing off.

P.S. Will try to put in a weekly entry henceforth